APOCRYPHA:
THE LEGEND OF MARY SUE
I have to emphatically state that this story is not in any way part of the fan fic continuity defined by the Ghostbusters Omnibus Timeline. At best, it could be a feverish masturbatory fantasy of the "real" Mary Sue Gladstone seen in Opening Night or Chronicles of Gozer
More than anything, this story is intended as a parody of Mary Sues in Ghostbusters fandom. Thusly, there are moments of caricature that might not be to everyone's liking. If you get offended at me "picking on Mary Sue" you might want to think about that.
"Wow! This is cool! Just like an episode of Murray the Mantis!" Ray said excitedly, drool forming in his mouth.
"Googly Moogly, these packs be heavy..." Winston grumbled as he handed
"At least you didn't wreck the car this time." Venkman laughed, watching Egon take PKE readings.
"I'd say this is at least a Class Fifty, maybe even higher." Egon said stoically.
When all the packs were dealt out, Mary Sue gritted her teeth, her ample bosom straining against the fabric of her modest pink flight suit. She clicked the safety on her thrower. "Let's do this, guys."
They all grunted in agreement.
She smiled inside. They all loved her, and she knew it. Any one of them would lay down their life for her. They all wanted to fuck her hard all night long. But her heart belonged only to one of them...
"Dawg, this be makin' me want to bug out, fo'shizzle." Winston said as they entered the plaza.
A giant ugly monster was chowing down on employees (but it was only the cleaning crew, who were illegal immigrants anyway so it's not like their lives meant anything).
"Hold it right there, you big meanie!!!" Mary Sue shouted.
"Do you mind? I'm trying to eat!!!" the monster snorted derisively as he popped another wage slave into his mouth.
"Fire!!!" Mary Sue shouted. Five proton beams blasted in unison, but the ugly monster jumped out of the way.
"He's too fast for the proton beams!" Venkman shouted.
"He's like some kind of mix between Karate Kid and Spider-Man!" Ray added. "And I mean the real Karate Kid, the one in the Legion, not Ralph Macchio...and I mean the actor Ralph Macchio, not the editor for Marvel Comics..."
"These readings mean he's too powerful for the proton packs, anyway!" Egon said.
"Daaaaaym!!!" Winston cursed. "Then how we defeat this [donkey porker]?"
Mary Sue's eyes narrowed with resolve. "Leave it to me." she said, unbuckling her proton pack.
"Mary Sue! Be careful!!! If something would happen to you I'd..." Egon started to say.
"I'll be okay, Egon. It'll take more than some measly Class Fifty to scare me..."
She concentrated, and called upon the power that had manifested within her. The power that had helped her singlehandedly defeat Gozer when it returned, winning her a spot on the Ghostbusters team. Her eyes glowed bright pink.
The ugly monster guffawed in disbelief. "You gotta be fucking kidding me...a little girl who doesn't even have her gun anymore? I'm gonna be scared of you?"
"You will be..." Mary Sue growled, and punched the ugly monster.
The monster recoiled in shock and pain, as the spot she punched smoldered. "What the fuck?!?!"
"I have a black belt in karate!!! You will be defeated!!!" she jumped at him again.
"My ass!!!" the ugly monster retorted, and jumped away.
But as quick and agile as he was, Mary Sue was quicker. He jumped right, she got in his way and punched him. He jumped left, she got in his way and kicked him in the family jewels.
"It burns!!! It burns!!!" it cried.
"Trap!!!" Mary Sue barked.
Winston threw the trap. The ugly monster was sucked inside. "This sucks but at least I get away from her!!!!" it shouted as it disappeared.
"You did it! You saved us!" Ray shouted excitedly.
"Another good job." Egon commended, before starting to French Kiss her.
"I hate to interrupt..." Venkman rolled his eyes, poking Egon as Donald Trump walked up.
"I don't know how to thank you!" Trump beamed, as he nearly tripped over a disembodied arm. "You defeated that monster before he did any property damage!"
"Standard rate is $5000 per call, Mister Trump..." Venkman told him.
"I'll make it out for ten times that!" Trump replied. He turned to Mary Sue. "I would pay you well if you came to work for me. Hell, I will divorce my wife and make you sole beneficiary to my vast fortune if you marry me!"
Mary Sue giggled. "Sorry, Mister Trump, I already have a boyfriend..." she replied as she grabbed Egon's hand.
"Hey guys..." she said as they got out of the car. She gave Mary Sue a look that spoke murder.
"I'll go put the ghost in the Containment Unit!" Mary Sue offered, and went downstairs with the ghost trap. If she noticed Janine's hostile look, she was too good and pure to give any sign.
"I hope there aren't anymore calls--I got a new Spongebob video to watch!" Ray said excitedly.
"And I gotta do...I dunno, somethin'..." Winston said as he went to go stand in the corner.
"Look at all this money!" Venkman said with glee. "Not enough to dive into like a porpoise or burrow through like a gopher, but give me time..."
"Well, it appears Mary Sue came through for us again." Egon said.
"Mary Sue Mary Sue Mary Sue..." Janine growled. "That's all I hear about from you anymore..."
"Well, she is a great asset to our company..."
"Egon, she came out of nowhere and started punching monsters out with her bare hands. She has no family, her eyes glow pink. Why am I the only one just the tiniest bit suspicious about all this?!"
"Janine, quit being a bitch..." Venkman rolled his eyes.
"You are clearly jealous." Egon told her.
"Don't I have the right to be?!" Janine shouted shrilly. "I chased you for years; she comes in out of nowhere and turns you into some kind of hormonal idiot! You're acting more like Doctor Venkman all the time!!!"
"Aw, you called me by my first name back on Thanksgiving when we..." Venkman smirked.
"Save your sweet talk for all your other girlfriends." Janine shook her head.
"I think your jealously is unfounded, Janine, because it is derived from a false premise: I never loved you." Egon said icily.
"No? Even though you whispered my name when you thought you were about to die back at Ragnarok?"
"A mere expression of friendship."
"You got boilingly jealous when I dated Paul Smart and Louis Tully?"
"Merely brotherly concern over what I saw as unsuitable relationships for you."
Venkman had opened a can of popcorn. He was enjoying this.
"The time you told me you loved me?!"
"I was only saying that to free you from the Lotsabucks!"
"And then we went back to my apartment and you banged me up the..."
"Um,er, just comforting you after that ordeal..."
With that, Mary Sue came back up the stairs and smacked Janine. "Leave my Egon alone!"
Janine's eyes flashed with fury. "You little bitch! I'll kill you!!!"
But since Mary Sue had a black belt in karate, the angry secretary didn't stand a chance. A minute later, Janine was a beaten-up pile on the floor.
"Serves you right for starting that fight." Egon snorted.
"C'mon, Egon, all that violence has made me hot and sweaty, and I need a shower. There's room for two you know..." Mary Sue giggled, leading Egon upstairs.
Satan immediately wet himself and started grovelling, since Lord Badass was the nastiest, meanest, most powerful evil creature in the entire universe, who made Satan, the Devil Himself, look like a petty criminal.
"This is getting bad..." Lord Badass rumbled evilly, twirling his mustache and stroking his mullet.
Satan licked Lord Badass's hoofed feet. "Will a [oral sex experience] help, Lord Badass?"
"Not right now...I'm saving myself for when Saddam Hussein gets here..."
"But...but...I thought Saddam was supposed to be my boyfriend..."
"Since Saddam was the most evil man in all of human history, he must belong to the most evil being in the entire universe." Lord Badass gloated. "But that isn't the issue right now."
"Then what is, your Majestic Badassness?"
"Mary Sue Gladstone..."
Satan peed himself again. He was so filled with horror at the mention of the name he couldn't even speak.
"We must strike now, before she realized her full power. I must destroy her now, or she will put an end to my wickedness forever..." Lord Badass seethed.
Janine was scribbling crude drawings of a woman being messily devoured by terror dogs, caption "DIE MARY SUE DIE DIE DIE!!!" when a giant, red-skinned demon walked into the door.
"I am looking for Mary Sue Gladstone..." it bellowed.
"Oh, take a fucking number, pal!" Janine shrieked, exasperated. "Is there anything anymore that doesn't revolve around Miss Goody Two-Shoes?!"
"Shut up, Harlot." the demon sneered, and casually tore her in half, causing a fountain of blood to spray everywhere.
Ray had just come down the stairs with his Barney The Dinosaur doll and reacted with shock and horror. "Oh no! It's gonna take forever to clean that mess off the ECTO-1!"
Over in the corner, Winston suddenly remembered he was in this story and reacted. "Ohnoyudiiiiiint!!! Muthafucka can't come into our place and meshizzle it up!!!"
Venkman got down the stairs just in time to see Winston and Ray slammed together and thrown into the file cabinet.
"Who are you and what do you want?!" Venkman shouted.
"I am Lord Badass, most powerful, evil, and vile creature in the entire universe." the monster responded. "I come to destroy the one you call Mary Sue Gladstone..."
"Mary Sue? Why?" Venkman asked.
"Because I am powerful, evil, and vile, and she is not." Lord Badass replied. "Join me, Peter Venkman. I can see it in your eyes...your mind is an open book to me. She stole your true love away from you...her beauty and allure actually made you and him both straight, didn't it?"
"Shut up..."
"Let me kill her, and you can have Egon back..." Lord Badass hissed, an evil grin on his face.
"Get back, Peter!!!" Egon's voice shouted out, and he blasted Lord Badass. He'd heard the commotion downstairs, and had the time to whip up a super demon busting cannon from the busted toaster in the kitchen.
KROOM!!!
Lord Badass evaded the beam (though it blew a five-foot hole through the wall of the Firehouse) and jumped in. He grabbed Egon and ate the super demon busting cannon.
Lord Badass threw Egon to the firehouse floor. His head hit the ground, his glasses flew off, and blood flew out of his mouth in dramatic slow motion.
"NOOOOOO!!!" Venkman screamed, and ran to where he fell, nearly slipping on leftover Janine guts in the process.
"Oh my Gosh!!!" Mary Sue cried, having just come downstairs and seeing Egon be hurt.
"Oh Egon..." Venkman blubbered. "It can't end like this, not when I love you so much. You do know I only slept with all those women over the years to cover the pain of you denying me...because science was the most important thing to you..."
"There you are..." Lord Badass grinned. "Mary Sue Gladstone. At last."
"I read about you in the Book of Unspeakably Evil and Monstrous Stuff, which is sorta like Tobins Spirit Guide but better. You're Lord Badass, the most horrible creature in the entire universe!" Mary Sue said.
"Now I will destroy you..."
Lord Badass jumped. Mary Sue dodged, calling on her powers. "You're wrong--for hurting my Egon, I'll destroy you!!!"
She punched Lord Badass. His skin smoldered.
He laughed.
Lord Badass grabbed Mary Sue, and hurled her into the wall.
"Mary Sue!" Venkman cried in shock, accidentally dropping Egon's head back to the floor.
"...why....why didn't it work..." the hurt Mary Sue said.
Lord Badass grabbed her, and looked her up and down like a slab of beef. "You are so beautiful I feel the urge to rape and defile you before I kill you...perhaps to even impregnate you with my unholy demon spawn. Yes...with your power added to mind, my children will be invincible..." Then he stopped. "Wait a minute, I hate children and don't want anyone around who might be more powerful that me. I guess I'll settle for the rape and defilement..." he said, beginning to fiddle with the zipper of her flight suit.
"Why me? Why am I so important?"
"You don't have any idea, do you? You're an orphan, right?"
"Yes..." Mary Sue answered, sobbing. "I was found on the doorstep at Sister Mary Elephant's Orphanage, and placed with a cold, abusive foster family, and one day I was raped in the shower and..."
"All right, all right, I get it." Lord Badass interrupted. "Jeez...all that and you still got multiple PhDs and a black belt in karate. Er, anyway, where was I? Ah, yes...I know who you really are."
"You do?"
"You are the daughter of a forbidden tryst between a human and Oberon, Lord of the Fae. You're a halfbreed Faerie, daughter of their Royal Line, but more--you were born under the right alignment of stars. You will be the Savior of the Cosmos, unless I kill you first. Now hold still and this won't hurt as much."
Mary Sue listened to his impossible story...but somehow, in the depths of her heart, she realized it was true. But if I'm supposed to be the Savior of the Cosmos, how can I die now? How can I let everyone down? Oh, Egon...
And suddenly, the room was filled with the purest white light.
"AAAAAAGGHHHHH!!!" Lord Badass howled in pain, backing away.
Mary Sue rose, the power filling her as it never had before. She had shimmering gossamer wings, and was now clad in a frilly, pink and blue sailor suit.
"I am Mary Sue, Champion of Love and Justice. In the name of Oberon, Lord of the Fae, I will right wrongs and triumph over evil. I will win, because I am good and good always wins over evil--and that means you!!!"
"No...this can't be..." Lord Badass sputtered. "Listen, howsabout I just go now and we forget this ever happened..."
As he was grovelling, Mary Sue did several pirouettes and made a series of graceful gestures. "This hand of mine burns with a Divine glow. It sings at me to destroy you!!!"
"No! NOOOOO!!!!"
"HAND OF JUDGMENT!!!" Mary Sue screamed, firing an energy blast.
Lord Badass exploded into a pile of flaming chunks.
Mary Sue exhaled, and the light in the room returned to normal.
"We're too late..." Venkman was sobbing. "Egon's dead..."
"No!" Mary Sue cried, kneeling over him. "The power to save the cosmos is nothing if I lose Egon..."
But when her first tear touched his cold face, a light swirled around him, and he opened his eyes.
"Egon you're alive!!!" Mary Sue and Venkman said in unison.
"Your love brought me back." Egon explained. "Plus it appears I'm no longer nearsighted."
Just about then, Ray and Winston woke up. "We're glad everything turned out all right for everybody!" Ray said, Janine's eyeglasses crunched beneath his boot as he walked over to join the group hug.
"Yeah, but it be takin' a while to fix the damage." Winston pointed out.
"Plus we need to hire a new secretary." Venkman added.
"I can now sense when ghosts are about to attack." Mary Sue explained. "We won't need to wait for someone to call us, because now I'll know when we're needed!"
"We can save the money we'd need to hire a new receptionist!" Venkman realized. He also realized that he couldn't get jealous of Mary Sue, her arms wrapped around Egon; she was clearly a better person than he, and if Egon was alive and happy that was all that mattered.
"This really is a happy ending!" Egon said excitedly.
They all laughed, and hugged. Especially when Slimer appeared and ate all the remains of Lord Badass and Whatsername, the secretary, meaning they didn't have to mop it up themselves.
The End
